Category: Sport

For the third England Ladder in a row, we’re going to go right ahead and get our excuses in early.

Last time out we moaned about having to pick a World Cup Ladder when we didn’t even know who was going to be the manager leading England into their World Cup qualifying campaign next year.

Just to give you a full idea of how good we are at this, we then scoffed at the fact the odds-on favourite to be the next manager at that time was, er, Thomas Tuchel.

Now we’re moaning that we do know who the manager is but haven’t actually got any concrete idea about the squad he might pick because the lazy workshy scrounging and above all FOREIGN fool can’t even be bothered to start work yet.

Throw in the fact that half the actual squad also couldn’t be bothered to turn up for this international break, and it gets even more puzzling.

So while we pompously like to describe this nonsense as ‘educated guesswork’ the ‘educated’ element of that is even more tenuous than usual here.

With that in mind, we figured it made sense to lay out some of the ground rules behind our slightly more out-there approach to this ladder. As ever, the ladder represents less our preferences and more our best guess at what we think the manager thinks. With a completely new manager involved, we’ve allowed ourselves a couple of speculative punts that may very well look ridiculous by March but that won’t mark any meaningful change on previous ladders.

We’ve also given heavy weighting to the known knowns; Tuchel couldn’t have been much clearer about what he’s here to do as England manager. He stopped short of saying he’ll be gone after the World Cup, but he’s here on an 18-month contract with one very, very clear and very, very tough goal: win that World Cup.

He has never been a long-term project manager at club level and there is no reason to think that changes with England. It’s not as clear-cut as some suggest that he will only be here for this one World Cup campaign, but there’s a very strong chance that is indeed the case.

And that changes things considerably. While Lee Carsley, understandably, used his three months in charge to hand full caps to several of his Under-21 favourites, Tuchel will, equally understandably, use his 18 months to focus entirely on those players he expects to use at the World Cup. Building for the future beyond that is a secondary concern, if it’s even a concern at all.

Therefore, in general, we have erred on the side of old hands over young bucks.

Anyway. Enough excuses. Let’s get on with it and hope against hope that we don’t look like total idiots by March.

1) Jude Bellingham (2)
At least the starting point is nice and straightforward. Bellingham is England’s present and future. Whatever type of manager you have, whatever type of system he employs, whatever tactics he prefers, if they have even half a brain in their skull then Bellingham will be their focal point.

It took Carsley a little while – and the absences of Phil Foden, Jack Grealish and Cole Palmer – to land on a couple of things. Bellingham’s best position is number 10, and he’s at his best at number 10 when he is clearly and uncomplicatedly the only number 10 on the pitch. Both he and the number nine – whether that was Ollie Watkins against Greece or Harry Kane against Ireland – benefited from that clarity.

We fully expect Jude Bellingham to be Thomas Tuchel’s number 10 just as he was Gareth Southgate’s and Lee Carsley’s. We very much wish everything else after this was as clear-cut.

2) Harry Kane (3)
Left out against Greece, with Ollie Watkins impressing in his place and scoring just about the most Kane-for-England goal imaginable to set England on their way to that vital win. Kane then returned against Ireland and laboured through the first half to set off more of the kind of ‘Is he still England’s best striker?’ chat that has so dominated the interlull mailbox.

And then he produced a pass to Jude Bellingham of breathtaking excellence to crack that game wide open and grant him the opportunity to score what is actually the most Kane-for-England goal imaginable: a penalty won in large part by Kane’s own clever brilliance.

Even without that, the appointment of Tuchel would appear to be one that plays right into Kane’s hands. Tuchel knows Kane and Kane knows Tuchel, while the laser-focus on the short term should – but probably won’t – quieten some of the noise around Kane and the ravages of time.

3) Declan Rice (1)
One of the several thousand England players ruled out of this squad through injury, something we are all required to pretend never happened in previous November international breaks and is an entirely new phenomenon brought about entirely by Tuchel’s lazy refusal to bother with these games either.

Conor Gallagher and Curtis Jones actually did an entirely adequate job as a thrown-together CM partnership in two comfy England wins. But we’re pretty sure neither is about to unseat Rice as first midfield name on the team-sheet for Tuchel, Carsley or any hypothetical England manager.

4) Bukayo Saka (5)
Noni Madueke did everything asked of him and showed himself well capable at this level, but nothing he did really suggested he’s about to unseat Bukayo Saka as England’s first choice out on the right, and that’s absolutely fine.

This sits as one of many that might need revising in March, but for now we’re pretty comfortable with the hypothesis that Saka will be in Tuchel’s starting XI.

5) Jordan Pickford (8)
Brilliant against Greece, with a couple of big saves at big moments that kept England in control of what was always the key fixture of this break and the Nations League campaign itself. England’s undisputed number one under the last two managers, and sits squarely in the ‘ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ pile for Tuchel. He has plenty of big calls to make elsewhere and will surely take the easy continuity win on offer here.

Again, tricky to the point of utter impossibility to even try and guess who he might want as his two back-up keepers from your Popes and Hendersons, your Traffords, or the Ramsdales of this world but SPOILER ALERT that hasn’t stopped us having a go later on.

6) Trent Alexander-Arnold (4)
Six of the top nine from October’s ladder played no part in this international break, which we suspect is some kind of record. It would be fair to say England coped admirably enough to say none of those players was hugely missed in 3-0 and 5-0 wins, but there were certainly times in that first half against Ireland where our thoughts drifted back to the creative brilliance of Alexander-Arnold in the first game of the Carsley interregnum back in September.

Kyle Walker, Rico Lewis and Tino Livramento all did fine at right-back, as did Curtis Jones and Conor Gallagher in midfield, but you’d think given the chance Carsley would certainly have deployed Alexander-Arnold somewhere in both these games, and we suspect Tuchel would too.

7) Marc Guehi (10)
He was at Swansea on loan when Tuchel took over at Chelsea and was then sold to Crystal Palace in the summer. How much to read into that? Probably not much. With very little confidence at all, we’re still leaning towards Stones-Guehi as England’s unconvincing first-choice centre-back partnership until we see something concrete to tell us otherwise.

8) John Stones (7)
Kyle Walker did altogether too much centre-backing in this international break. Mad really how easily England got away with that. Stones has had a worryingly stop-start time at club level and looked horribly rusty in his October appearances, but with short-term focus on one major tournament, our guess – and this is admittedly one of our very guessiest guesses – is that Stones will form part of Tuchel’s first-choice defence.

9) Ollie Watkins (11)
Very firmly established now as at the very least Kane’s primary understudy, and little reason to see why Tuchel would want to deviate from that. That one-tournament focus has to be good news for the likes of Watkins and Dominic Solanke, reducing as it does the need or temptation to simply skip a generation of strikers and move straight to someone like Liam Delap. And by ‘someone like Liam Delap’ we mean ‘Liam Delap’ because there really isn’t anyone else at the moment.

10) Noni Madueke (20)
Didn’t do enough to disturb Bukayo Saka’s starting spot, you wouldn’t have thought, but has certainly done enough to justify sticking around under the new regime.

11) Kyle Walker (31)
We have really got to stop writing him off. Every time he looks finished, he seems to return to the starting line-up. Quite often as captain. Now he’s apparently a centre-back in a two as well, which we’re absolutely sure shouldn’t be a thing.

We will give ourselves the partial mitigation of not knowing about Tuchel and the 18-month contract when we dropped Walker right into the 30s, but the fact he then played so much of this break under Carsley means it can only be partial.

Another player for the ‘We should know one way or the other in March’ perhaps. If Tuchel thinks he can get 18 months out of the vastly experienced and still absurdly pacey Walker, then why not? If he doesn’t then he’ll be moved on quickly. And we’ll drop him to 47. And then he’ll be captain again by June. Because we simply never learn.

12) Anthony Gordon (13)
Enforced absences of some other high-profile rivals gave Gordon a clear run at the left-wing spot and he did… okay. Perhaps less eye-catching than Madueke on the other side across England’s two games but did bag his first international goal and at the very least helped highlight the clear benefits of having specialist wide players in those wide positions.

13) Lewis Hall (37)
Is he as good as Luke Shaw or even Ben Chilwell? Frankly that is no longer the question, given their injury woes over the last few years and the parade of right-backs filling in we’ve been forced to endure. The question should now be this: is Lewis Hall a better left-back than any of the four million right-backs England can call on? And the answer to that appears to be very much yes.

Should now be a squad regular at the very, very least.

14) Kobbie Mainoo (6)
Certainly an interesting time to be a hugely talented young player making your way with Manchester United and England. He’s going to be working with two very different but very good coaches and you’d think really that it can only be good for him.

But missing games England win 3-0 and 5-0, even under a different manager, isn’t ideal for a player still looking to prove himself and cement a place in the first-choice XI. Has to drop a few places here given how England did in his absence, but certainly doesn’t feel like he’s in any danger of being discarded by either of those new managers.

15) Cole Palmer (12)
A conspicuous loser from this window, as noted by Will Ford after the Ireland game. It was very obvious throughout this window that Jude Bellingham (and whichever striker was playing ahead of him) was liberated and provided clarity by the absence of other wannabe number 10s fighting over the same turf.

Palmer is a wonderful, creative footballer and accomplished finisher, and one capable of playing multiple roles for England for a very long time to come. But he is not as good as Peak Bellingham. His time will come, surely, but we suspect that under Tuchel his role will be luxury squad player, the sort whose name is always near the front of the list when commentators marvel at the strength and variety of options Tuchel has at his disposal when looking to change the frustrating course of a game that remains stubbornly 0-0 after 55 minutes.

16) Phil Foden (14)
See Palmer, Cole but even more so. It’s been a tricky season for Foden even at club level and he has, frankly, never felt less important to England than he does right now. His international career has never truly fired and while we don’t imagine Tuchel or anyone else would be eagerly binning him off, he does find himself with a fair bit to prove.

17) Jack Grealish (9)
Had perhaps played the very best football of his England career under Carsley and a shame to see him pulled out of this squad through injury. It was, though, one of the least sus of all the withdrawals given his absence of football recently.

Really hard to know what to do with him. Does feel like by March he could be anywhere from about fifth to 45th depending on how Tuchel decides to do things. Our gut tells us Tuchel will want him around the squad as a mercurial bench option at least, but that could just be last night’s dinner repeating on us.

18) Curtis Jones (38)
Came into this break as one of the more curiously uncapped England players given his growing importance to Liverpool, leaves it with two caps, a goal and having displayed that he absolutely can do a job in England’s midfield. A significant climber who has benefited more than most from all those absences.

19) Conor Gallagher (25)
A very good international break for a player whose England career could very easily have been slip-sliding away. Few would have had great confidence in a Gallagher-Jones midfield axis – especially for the game in Athens – but they coped admirably with the challenge. One of four players to get a first England goal in the Ireland game and wouldn’t be the first England player to have their international career significantly extended by learning from Diego Simeone at Atletico Madrid.

20) Nick Pope (26)
Honestly, who knows with the non-Pickford goalkeepers.

21) Luke Shaw (17)
Have to assume that a fully-fit Shaw remains the first-choice option for any England manager, although Tuchel is one where perhaps a fully fit and actually playing Ben Chilwell could become a factor. The thing is that neither of those things ever seems to actually happen. Which brings us to…

22) Reece James (35)
That’s an interesting one, isn’t it? Only one English player has played more games under Tuchel than the Chelsea right-back, who arguably produced the very best football of his career under the German.

A lot has obviously happened since, but he’s been tentatively back in action – and on both flanks – for Chelsea in recent weeks and if – if – he stays fit it wouldn’t be at all hard to see why Tuchel of all managers might want to call upon a player who was so reliably excellent for him before.

So much can change for so many players over the next few months, but with Chelsea upwardly mobile again and a familiar face arriving in the England dug-out, James wouldn’t be human if he isn’t throwing things forward and seeing things looking far, far rosier for him than they have for a good while now.

And he is still, preposterously, only 24.

23) Jarrod Bowen (27)
Wasn’t in this latest squad until all the withdrawals, but got his chance and took it with one of the swiftest if least significant super-sub goals on record. It was certainly a well-taken goal and appeared to be a training-ground routine which is always fun, as was the fact it was a goal to prompt a philosophical debate about whether you can truly have an ‘inspired substitution’, as Sam Matterface claimed, that makes it 4-0 with 15 minutes to go.

24) Ezri Konsa (18)
Cruel luck with injuries in and around international breaks continues, but after a winder where Kyle Walker did so much work at centre-back you’d have to assume Konsa will remain there or thereabouts.

25) Levi Colwill (22)
Would have seen plenty of action this week, you’d think, given how much time Kyle Walker spent at centre-back, but at risk of being overtaken by others having had a slightly sticky time in club football. One of several players who could by March look like an absolute no-brainer must-pick or someone whose absence isn’t even remarked upon.

26) Aaron Ramsdale (32)
Honestly, who knows with the non-Pickford goalkeepers.

27) Rico Lewis (19)
He’s very good, but is he going to be one of the best two or three right-backs available to England over the next 18 months? Might just be one of the hugely talented youngsters who suffers most from the upcoming laser-like focus on one specific short-term goal.

28) Angel Gomes (15)
One of the big winners of Carsley’s reign but played only a bit-part role in this break despite the midfield shortage. If he’s behind Curtis Jones for Carsley, then you can reasonably surmise he will be for Tuchel as well.

29) Dominic Solanke (33)
There is no great urgency now to go next gen with the strikers. Solanke appears to be third choice behind Kane and Watkins in the number nine stakes, and as long as we’re looking no further than the 2026 World Cup that’s absolutely fine.

After that things might become a little more worrying given the lack of contenders coming through, but for this tournament cycle we have absolutely no issues with Kane and Watkins as the two squad certainties and Solanke as a squeezes-in-if-they-name-three-strikers striker or the man who replaces either of the others in the event of injury.

30) Mason Mount (RE)
Got to allow ourselves this one, haven’t we? Remember when we said there was only one Englishman to have played more football under Tuchel than Reece James? Yeah, it’s him. Obviously. Mount’s career now finds itself at a truly tantalising crossroads having appeared to be stuck down a cul-de-sac. He’s back from injury, and has not one but two new managers to impress, one of whom already knows exactly what Mount can offer him.

We suspect this is going to be wrong either way. By March this ranking is going to look far too low or Mount’s very presence on this list utterly absurd, but we couldn’t not include him.

31) Marcus Rashford (28)
Another obvious potential Man United-based beneficiary of the inherent short-termism of England’s planning now. If Tuchel looks around the country in the search for international goals and tournament nous, he has few avenues open. Rashford is undoubtedly one of those few.

32) Harry Maguire (21)
The fact England still have so many questions to answer at centre-back and that short-term World Cup focus means nothing can be ruled out, but it nevertheless feels like England might now be moving away from the Stones-Maguire axis and even the new manager might not change that.

33) Morgan Gibbs-White (23)
We’ve long felt Gibbs-White is one of those players who just looks right for international football, but it’s also hard to see where precisely he might fit. A wait-and-see situation, this one. Which is really the case for pretty much everyone, isn’t it?

34) Jarrad Branthwaite (30)
Even before being ruled out with injury here he was unlucky not to have been given more chances in the Southgate era and perhaps even more so as Lee Carsley chucked England caps about like so much confetti. Now may find himself in the unfortunate no man’s land position of lacking the experience Tuchel wants for his one-hit strategy and with no opportunity now to get it.

That feels like a waste given England’s lack of truly convincing centre-back options. His injury problems this autumn really have been most ill-timed. There’s all sorts of different kinds of question marks hovering over all kinds of players in this pre-Tuchel waiting room. Branthwaite feels like one we’ll know about one way or the other pretty quickly; if Tuchel wants him in, he’ll go straight in. If he’s not getting games in March, he probably isn’t getting games in this World Cup run at all.

35) Dean Henderson (16)
Honestly, who knows with the non-Pickford goalkeepers.

36) Tino Livramento (24)
A deserved debut but the list of England right-backs is a long one and we’re really not sure how close Livramento is to the front of that queue now both eyes are so firmly on the present rather than future.

37) Eberechi Eze (29)
Frustrating in so many ways. Feels like we waited ages for Eze to finally get his chance for England and there is now the very real chance that it has already been and gone with almost zero measurable impact.

38) Liam Delap (34)
Drops slightly now given all eyes are on 2026, but there’s still a good case to be made that he would be next cab off the rank after Kane, Watkins and Solanke now anyway without even needing one eye on the future.

39) Taylor Harwood-Bellis (RE)
He’d be even higher were Carsley in for the long haul but we retain a sneaking suspicion that while Harwood-Bellis now has a guaranteed future scuppering Sporcle quizzers for decades to come there might be something even more for him. He’s a ball-playing centre-back who offers a tangible goal threat. It’s a captivating international football combination in the one position where England’s stocks are conspicuously short that Tuchel’s best option might be to make a large, early investment in youth. We know this contradicts everything we said about Branthwaite, but that’s just called hedging your bets and is actually very intelligent, okay.

40) Morgan Rogers (36)
We are huge fans and he has done nothing wrong in his limited opportunities, but Rogers is another who slides purely because of the new parameters at work here.

41) Ben Chilwell (41)
42) James Maddison (40)
43) Jarell Quansah (42)
44) Sam Johnstone (49)
45) Jadon Sancho (RE)
46) Raheem Sterling (48)
47) Harvey Elliott (45)
48) Fikayo Tomori (RE)
49) James Trafford (RE)
50) Phil Neville (50)

Barney Ronay is sticking with his schtick on Harry Kane despite any and all evidence while Lee Carsley acts like an actual employee.

Never write off Kane…unless
‘Never write off Kane. It has become a truism. It was the captain whose masterpiece of a pass provided the spark, a flat and perfectly calibrated diagonal from the left putting Bellingham up against Scales in the area. He jinked inside; Scales lunged and caught him. When the penalty was awarded, Gordon turned and simply applauded Kane,’ wrote David Hytner in The Guardian.

Hytner had already written several justified paragraphs criticising Kane’s woeful first-half performance but was wise, self-aware and crucially non-dickish enough to change tack, with his match report acknowledging that it was ‘Harry Kane – who else?’ who ‘precipitated an alarming crash’ from Ireland.

Meanwhile, Hytner’s clever-clever Guardian colleague Barney Ronay was absolutely not for budging from his ‘Kane has been the defining player of an era, but this thing has run its course’ narrative. Oh no.

Did Kane’s sumptuous pass entirely change the game? Well yes. Did he then score the penalty to begin the rout? Well yes. But why would you allow that to change your snarky schtick? Especially when a 31-year-old man struggles for pace in the 88th minute of a 5-0 win…

There was an oddly heartbreaking moment with 87 minutes gone at Wembley, as Harry Kane was put through on goal with a chance to score his second of the night, made all the more tender by the fact he seemed so desperately keen to do exactly that with England already 5-0 up.

Mainly it was heartbreaking because of the way Kane reached down to pump the accelerator, and just found nothing, a man suddenly running backwards through time, wind chimes tinkling. The finish was rushed and too close to the goalkeeper. Kane ended up flat on his face. He didn’t stop, passing and pointing and leading this team of tyros to the final whistle. Maybe he can wear his Bobby Charlton top next time and still take all the penalties.

This chain of events was so ‘oddly heartbreaking’ that nobody but Ronay deemed it remotely important; even the Guardian’s minute-by-minute coverage described it thus: ‘Kelleher makes a pretty good save, adjusting his feet to kick away a crisp low shot from Kane.’

Indeed, the Guardian gave Kane 7/10 in their player ratings, acknowledging his poor first half but then key role in England’s eventual rout.

Does this sound like a 7/10 performance? As told by Ronay…

Time calls for everyone in the end, and here there was something present below the hum of the crowd every time Kane took the ball and seemed to be visibly rearranging his legs, like a pantomime horse setting off on a trot, the creak of the clapper, the clanging of that distant bell.

Imagine Kane actually reading those words as he wakes up the morning after a 5-0 win. There’s snark and then there’s just being a prick.

Ronay is right that Kane was poor in the first half…

The score was still 0-0 at the break, at which point Kane’s breakdown read: 11 touches, zero shots, dribbles, crosses, tackles or headers won. He was definitely out there. Like the moon landings, we have footage. But this was Kane as an absence, a ghost in the machine, falling between the numbers.

But Ronay was absolutely not right to rigidly stick with his schtick in the face of the actual evidence in front of his eyes, though Mediawatch knows that he would not have wanted to let go of his ‘like a ceremonial city mayor with a gold chain round his neck, off to stand near the winning courgette display for the local newspaper’ joke.

It takes Ronay 12 paragraphs of a piece about Kane to mention the defining moment of the game. And then the ‘masterpiece of a pass’ is reduced to ‘a fine pass’ in the name of ‘Kane is now shit innit’ revisionism.

There is now the Kane conundrum, which really shouldn’t be a conundrum for anyone with a set of eyes. This game is cruel. It will take its bite in the end.

But what if you have a set of eyes but you choose to only see what you want, Barney?

Mediawatch would now like to see Harry Kane write a piece about Ronay and begin: ‘One of a few who may be remembered by some as the defining football writers of an era, but this thing has run its course.’

MORE ON ENGLAND FROM F365:
👉 England player ratings: Kane and Bellingham class allows others to have their fun against Ireland
👉 Why do people ‘froth at the mouth’ about England’s ‘egotistical lummox’?
👉 Harry Kane teaches England pair a lesson and silences critics in comical Ireland collapse

Doss house
It never fails to amuse Mediawatch how perfectly normal parts of working life are rendered mysterious and other-worldly by the football media.

Lee Carsley has been the caretaker England manager for the last six games and Thomas Tuchel will take over in January on a semi-permanent basis. In what world would Carsley be expected to step down without any semblance of a hand-over? In what world would Carsley do the job for several months and not give Tuchel any information whatsoever?

In the world of football it seems. Because there is awe and wonder…

‘Thomas Tuchel to receive ‘secret dossier’ on England players from Lee Carsley’ – Daily Star.

‘Secret dossier’ is quoting literally nobody. It’s only ‘secret’ in the sense that they won’t be showing the Daily Star, which we suspect is the case for roughly 99.99999% of the e-mails sent today.

Sky Sports just call it a ‘dossier’ as they breathlessly announce that ‘outgoing England interim boss Lee Carsley will prepare a “dossier” handover for new manager Thomas Tuchel ahead of his appointment on January 1’.

It would be really f***ing weird if he didn’t.

Henry Winter goes even further on the talkSPORT website: ‘It should be a chunky dossier, an attractive attachment to an email…’

An ‘attractive attachment to an email’? Have these people ever done an actual day’s work?

Harry Kane is England men’s all-time leading goalscorer and this has p*ssed off a lot of people who know in their heart of hearts that he is in fact rubbish.

How to square this obvious rubbishness with that inconvenient all-time record, though? Surprisingly, it’s quite easy. We’ve donned our tinfoil thinking caps and with a little bit of effort – sometimes admittedly more than others – the underlying fraudulence of every single one of Kane’s England goals can be revealed.

Here’s the handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the truth the so-called MSM won’t tell you: that his actual goal total is zero.

Our journey to turn 69 goals into zero goals begins straightforwardly enough. Here we go.

Harry Kane England goal tally: 69

The 23 Penalty goals
Definitely the easiest place to start, isn’t it? We’re not entirely sure when ‘excluding penalties’ became a halfway legit piece of flagrant statistical manipulation, but you certainly didn’t used to see it anywhere near as often in the days before a weirdly large number of people took it upon themselves to make proving Harry Kane’s fraudulence an integral part of their personalities.

It is a lot, though, isn’t it? It’s quite literally one third of his England goals. But some simple folk would say so what? Goals are goals.

Some would say it’s entirely disingenuous to just remove penalties because penalties are goals. They are worth precisely one goal, they have always been worth precisely one goal and will always be worth precisely one goal. They are easier to score than most goals, but also harder than some others so discounting them just seems utterly arbitrary and cannot be done in good faith. But to all that we say no. Penalties aren’t proper goals, there is no recent or historical evidence of scoring penalties being of any meaningful value and this is also why you would never catch properly great players like Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo padding their stats with any of these grubby little spot-kicks.

Strike them from the record, because what’s good about pretending penalties don’t count as goals is that it makes Kane’s record look instantly much sh*tter.

Take away his (and importantly only his, because reasons) precious penalties and he’s already only the fourth leading scorer for England and barely ahead of Jimmy Greaves, which obviously is rubbish.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 46

The six Friendly goals
Bit of a problem, this one. Harry Kane has awkwardly scored only eight of his 64 fraudulent England goals in the most easily dismissed of games, the International Friendly. We don’t count goals in club friendlies on a player’s stats, do we? Why should international ones count? And two of his friendly goals were, of course, penalties, so we’ve already got rid of those.

Now we’re getting rid of goals here that include ones in barnstormers against Germany and France and another against Scotland which as we all know is never really a friendly is it, ho ho. But this isn’t about sanity or reason. We must be ruthless in our pursuit of proving that none of Harry Kane’s goals pass the purity test. These six remaining goals from friendlies are low-hanging fruit as long as we’re very careful indeed not to mention the 16 goals Wayne Rooney scored in friendlies or the 26 goals Gary Lineker scored in friendlies or the 35 goals Sir Bobby Charlton scored in friendlies. Ah, bugger.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 40

The three San Marino goals
‘Competitive’ can of course be every bit as misleading a term for an international as ‘friendly’. All World Cup qualifiers are competitive games, even 10-0 wins over San Marino where Parry Pane scores four before half-time. Two of those were penalties, but he did also score in a 6-1 win over everyone’s favourite footballing minnows back in 2015, so that’s three more goals scrubbed off.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 37

The six goals in other games where England scored 6+
Stands to reason these were also a waste, because no decent international team would ever concede six in a single game which is why such a thing has never happened.

So we can chalk off a goal against Bulgaria, whose obvious incompetence is further highlighted by the fact Kane got three assists before scoring himself. A first-half hat-trick in a 7-0 win over Montenegro also loses its international status here, while most helpfully we can remove the non-penalty bit of Kane’s hat-trick against Panama in the World Cup. In fairness, it was a genuinely silly goal anyway.

To that list we can now also add what some daft, biased people in the pay of Big Kane might have considered a somewhat important opening goal against a team that beat Germany in Germany and Italy in Italy during the last qualification cycle. Luckily, Kane himself foolishly played a part in creating goals for Marcus Rashford and Bukayo Saka before a very stat-paddy penalty indeed to round out a 7-0 win over an obviously incompetent North Macedonia just before being subbed off while poor Callum Wilson looked on ruefully from the touchline. Typical greedy guts Kane. At least we’d already got rid of the penalty in our earlier recalculations.

Again, at this point we must take great care not to mention the goals Wayne Rooney scored in 6-1 wins over Iceland, or the brace against Andorra, or the goals he himself plundered against San Marino, and Kazakhstan. Definitely don’t talk about Sir Bobby Charlton’s hat-trick in an 8-1 friendly win over the USA. Or the hat-trick in a 9-0 win over Luxembourg. Or the hat-trick in an 8-0 win over Mexico. Or the hat-trick in an 8-1 win over Switzerland. Studiously ignore the six goals Gary Lineker scored in 5-0 and 8-0 wins over Turkey, or the four he got in one game against Malaysia. Jimmy Greaves scored all his goals against Brazil and Germany, didn’t he? Okay, ‘statistics’ and ‘records’ suggest there was a hat-trick in a 9-3 win over Scotland or another treble of his own in that 9-0 Luxembourg game where some cynical fools might accuse Sir Bobby and Greavsie of a tiny bit of minor stat-padding. No. Very tricky customers, the Luxembourgers. There are no easy games in international football, except for ones where Harry Kane scores goals.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 31

The three So-called Nations League So-called goals
Not a proper tournament, is it, the Nations League? It’s got no history, no pedigree. Nobody cares. It can’t be considered a proper international tournament alongside a Euros or a World Cup or a Tournoi or an Umbro Cup. The road from ‘glorified friendly’ to ‘just friendly’ is very short indeed and one we’re more than happy to walk. Only gets rid of three goals, because two of his five Nations League goals were pens against Germany. He really has scored a lot of penalties.

Does allow us to bin off the two goals he scored against Finland in his 100th appearance, so that’s good. We’d have only created a category for goals scored wearing ghastly gold Skechers anyway. Which, in fairness, would have been instantly the most moral and just of all these categories. Because whisper it but some of these categories might just be a tiny bit harsh, and in some cases even bordering on unfair.

Still, we’re getting somewhere now, having successfully stripped Kane’s actual goals total right down to 28, barely more than the sort of measly total managed by now entirely forgotten strikers like Geoff Hurst and his nice glass of Budweiser.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 28

The nine Euro Qualifiers Are A Formality These Days goals
There was a time when qualifying for the Euros was pretty much just as hard as qualifying for the World Cup, give or take a spot or two. Back when the Euros were a 16-team event it was a genuine achievement to make it. Now they let any old team make the finals, the qualifiers are just there to let scum like Kane pad their stats.

Very, very telling that Kane hasn’t scored a single England goal in qualification for a 16-team Euros, and the fact the last such qualifiers were played several years before his debut is just a convenient excuse. And also exactly the sort of massaging of facts and stats we’ve come to expect from his one-eyed supporters over the years. Those of us who can see that Kane is sh*t actually are the truth-seekers here, and thus it’s entirely correct of us to wipe out all those lazy pointless fraudulent goals scored in freebie qualification campaigns. It’s nine more scrubbed from his tally, even allowing for the fact that we’d already found different ways to get rid of quite a few others.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 19

MORE ENGLAND COVERAGE ON F365…
👉Gordon, Grealish expose vindictive Southgate’s errors as England, Carsley clamour gathers momentum
👉 Foden? Bellingham? No England player should be guaranteed a place
👉 Man Utd pair among five England stars set to be phased out during the Lee Carsley era

The one Penalty Rebound goal
The only thing more fraudulent than scoring a penalty is missing a penalty, so it stands to reason that scoring from the rebound after you’ve missed a penalty absolutely shouldn’t count as a proper goal on your international record. Even if it’s the goal that sends your country to its first major final in 55 years. Especially if it’s the goal that sends your country to its first major final in 55 years.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 18

The one Gave Away A Goal Soon Afterwards goal
If you score a goal and then give away a goal, it stands to reason that your net contribution in that game is zero goals, doesn’t it? And that’s where we are with Harry Kane’s goal against Denmark at Euro 2024. Barely 15 minutes after he opened the scoring he gave the ball away horribly to give Moren Hjulmand the simplest of tasks in fizzing a 25-yard sh*tpinger in off Jordan Pickford’s post. Obviously, this invalidates his earlier goal. That’s just maths.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 17

The two England Didn’t Even Win goals
We all know that Harry Kane quite famously doesn’t win stuff, and that’s a key reason why his goals are invalid. Logically then, we shouldn’t count any of his goals in games England didn’t win. There are only nine of those, and seven of them have already been taken care of by other methods above but we’re still getting rid of his opening goal in a 1-1 draw against Poland as well as a famous injury-time equaliser against Scotland, and it all takes us closer to our target.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 15

The 14 Non-Elite Opposition goals
Okay, starting to get harder now and it’s taken longer than we hoped but we must push on through because the alternative is accepting that Harry Kane might not be sh*t and that won’t do. International football is supposed to be the best against the best and it’s important that we ignore the fact most international football isn’t that and never has been.

All international scoring records are padded with goals against inferior opposition. But shush. We can get rid of loads here. Non-elite opposition can also mean whatever we want it to mean, from Malta to the Czech Republic via Slovenia. It’s basically anyone who hasn’t won a World Cup, right? Takes care of some otherwise awkward goals like the two against Tunisia in the 2018 World Cup and the one against Senegal in Qatar. And the Euro 2020 quarter-final goals against Ukraine, and the last-16 winner at Euro 2024 against Slovakia, as well as some actual pish against your Albanias and Lithuanias.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 1

The one Germany Were Also Rubbish Then, Actually goal
Having ruthlessly yet scrupulously fairly found entirely valid and impartial reasons why 63 of Harry Kane’s England goals don’t count we’re left with one. It wasn’t a penalty, it was at a major tournament, he didn’t immediately give away a goal at the other end, and it was against a team that has won lots of World Cups. But Germany were rubbish at Euro 2020, weren’t they? Anyone could and did beat them then. Imagine thinking a goal against this Germany team was somehow valid. Just embarrassing, really.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 0

Errrrm yeah, Ollie Watkins can’t do that.

To be fair to the guys in the Mailbox and elsewhere questioning Harry Kane’s place in the team, calling him – among other things – an ‘egotistical lummox’, Harry Kane’s not done that for a long time either.

But having watched An England Team With Legs from the bench against Greece on Thursday, with Anthony Gordon to his left, Noni Madueke to his right and Jude Bellingham running every which way around him, the England captain was granted the opportunity to be his Best Self, not an Erling Haaland but a Harry Kane, and marked the occasion with (and we genuinely don’t think we’re over-egging this) one of the best passes an England player has ever played at Wembley.

He had been at the heart of the only noteworthy moment in the first half, throwing Jayson Molumby to the floor just before the break in a ‘fight’ as disappointing as the football in the opening period.

Ireland sat deep while England passed the ball slowly and aimlessly in front of them, with Thomas Tuchel at that stage hailing his wise decision not to tack on an extra two months on to the start of his 18-month contract as the prospect of England being held to a 0-0 draw by the 63rd-best team in world football at Wembley looked alarmingly real.

We didn’t want that for Lee Carsley, whose legacy should be the blooding of young Three Lions talent rather than failure to beat Greece to top spot in the Nations League. He’s handed eight players debuts in his six games as England manager and Tuchel should reap the rewards of that.

Thanks to a quite extraordinary Ireland collapse in the second half, the football phone-ins and comments sections will heavily feature Proud Englishmen once again questioning why the FA have gone for a GERMAN with a perfectly suitable candidate already in place.

We’re not quite so sure smashing five goals in against the ten men of a significantly inferior footballing nation is a suitable determiner of Carsley’s capability to lead the Three Lions to World Cup glory. As sage co-commentator Lee Dixon pointed out, “the sending off really hurt Ireland”. But England did play some very good and extraordinarily effective football in the second half here, for which Carsley of course deserves credit.

Jarrod Bowen was his “inspired substitution”, scoring with his first touch off the bench from a training ground set piece move. Anthony Gordon had already volleyed home beautifully from a deflected cross and both Conor Gallagher and substitute Taylor Harwood-Bellis also got off the mark for England.

But much of England’s excellence came courtesy of Kane, without whom none of the second-half madness – with its five goals in 26 minutes – would have ensued.

In the absence of Phil Foden and Cole Palmer, Kane was allowed to do his I’m Also The Best Playmaker bit and despite their obvious brilliance, we’re not sure either Palmer or Foden would have attempted the wonderful drilled eye-of-the-needle pass from the wing to slice through Ireland and break the game open, let alone delivered so perfectly.

Jude Bellingham took a neat touch in the box to win the penalty that Kane converted and ensured Ireland would play the rest of the game with ten men after Liam Scales was shown a second yellow.

It was a world class moment from Kane, who hasn’t put in a 45 minutes like that for England for a very long time, mainly because the players behind him in the team haven’t allowed it, with various No.10s clogging up the space from which he’s arguably still the most effective of anyone.

It wouldn’t have worked without Bellingham, who took up the role of centre-forward when Kane dropped deep, but also floated around in those similar areas to make killer passes, as he did for Harwood-Bellis’ header.

The second half was the fluid, free-flowing display Carsely hoped for away in Greece when he played all the No.10s, with Kane and Bellingham far more successful in dovetailing and swapping positions here than Foden, Palmer and Bellingham were at Wembley in October.

It certainly provides pause for thought for Tuchel, who rather than stripping Kane of the captaincy will now be considering whether the best way forward for England involves him at the heart of the attack, rather on the periphery as he was at Euro 2024, with pace on the wings, Bellingham around him and the wonderfully talented 10s the casualties for the greater good.

Kane wasn’t at all happy with the England drop-outs and having caused a stir with his words, the England captain’s actions have spoken far louder, with this a performance to teach Palmer and Foden a lesson in what can happen when you don’t turn up for your country.

England are back in the Nations League big time after securing promotion from League B with a 5-0 win over Ireland that ended in joyous account-opening comfort as four players scored their first England goals after Harry Kane had scored his 69th.

But it had been pretty dicey before Kane and Bellingham combined so devastatingly for that much-needed opener at Wembley.

JORDAN PICKFORD
A key figure in England’s very good win over Greece with some very big saves at some very important times. Much less important here. Which you can probably tell by the way we’re mainly talking about his effort in the other game. He’d earned a nice quiet one, to be fair.

TINO LIVRAMENTO
No great surprise to see Lee Carsley turn to several of his Under-21 lads during his six-game tenure as England boss, but even we have to admire the sheer commitment to the bit. There was a fair bit of stuff outside his control, but handing out eight England caps in a six-game run does feel a bit like Liz Truss’ resignation honours’ list even if that is wildly unfair on both Carsley and those he has capped.

Nevertheless, a fun game in the future might be tracking the final tally of total caps Carsley’s Boys end up accruing. Livramento did absolutely fine in a game where England were only very occasionally pressed into meaningful defensive service. If he does go on to win a significant number of further caps, few will be more straightforward.

LEWIS HALL
Left-footed left-backs ftw. Really isn’t hard at all, this: there is almost never any justification for picking any half-decent right-back over any half-decent left-back, and England have been bafflingly determined not to accept this truth for far too long. How far Hall can go in the game remains to be seen, but the really quite obvious thing we should all be happy to accept is this: if he is the best specialist left-back available to England at any given moment that is absolutely fine and he should absolutely play if this comes up next year after Thomas Tuchel can be bothered to show up.

KYLE WALKER
Never has been and never will be a confidence-inspiring selection in a central two and was very occasionally caught out by Ireland’s very occasional first-half forays. We still marvel at the witchcraft of his still ridiculous recovery pace. He really has never had to learn a single lesson from any (footballing) mistake he’s ever made, has he?

Also got his head on two corners in succession in the first half. Could have opened up a gap on the four players who would subsequently join him on one England goal.

MARC GUEHI
Could easily have conceded a first-half penalty, which would have been an awkward one to explain given the overall lightness of workload.

CONOR GALLAGHER
Scored from close range which we thought would be the height of England’s second-half p*ss-taking, but then decided to try and be Erik Lamela with a Rabona that was funny but not particularly effective.

CURTIS JONES
A far easier game than Greece. Jones had a far easier game here, but thus less chance to show the personal and footballing growth he displayed in that game, which he started awkwardly but finished enormously impressively. But he’s put himself firmly in that midfield conversation where a place still remains there for the claiming alongside Declan Rice when Thomas Tuchel takes over.

NONI MADUEKE
Frustrating in a different way to Gordon during that first half, showing greater willingness to actually try to get in behind the stubborn Ireland defensive line but then not quite having the wherewithal to do the right things having got there. Was definitely less effective than against Greece, even after Ireland were reduced to 10 and lost the entire run of themselves.

JUDE BELLINGHAM
He’s had a very good international break after a difficult spell. The pass from Kane was the attention-grabber in the penalty incident, but Bellingham’s touch that left Liam Scales with nowhere to go but a foul that would lead inevitably to a penalty and a red card was superb.

Assisted Jarrod Bowen’s goal about three seconds after the West Ham man’s introduction and then produced an even better ball to set up Taylor Harwood-Bellis’ cherry-on-top header.

ANTHONY GORDON
A deeply frustrating first half that summed up England’s ponderous attacking stylings. Struggling to find a route through on England’s left, Gordon was too often guilty of taking conservative options involving cutting inside or going back. There’s a place for that, especially in England football, but if Gordon is going to play for England then it needs to be his way. And that is far, far more dynamic.

Much better, inevitably, after the break, making his game-settling goal look far easier than it was as England took full advantage of Ireland’s post-red confusion and befuddlement before any reorganisation could take place. It was the sort of situation-exploiting goal that instinctively feels like it only ever happens against you and ever for you, so that was nice.

HARRY KANE
A first half to show why people grumble about Kane and wonder whether he should really be England’s starting striker, and then one game-breaking moment early in the second to show why he really probably still is. Ireland had frustrated England pretty much flawlessly throughout a first half in which Kane was a peripheral, lumbering influence. Then, with 51 minutes on the clock, on a trademark pundit-baiting wandering away from his centre-forward station, Kane produced the kind of defence-splitting pass that few would see and even fewer could execute. Bellingham duly won a penalty, Ireland went a man down and then a goal down as Kane converted his latest goal that does not count.

We have our fun there, of course, but what’s particularly good there is that this really will look like a goal that doesn’t mean much: a penalty in a 5-0 win ranking very high on the stat-pad-o-meter. But while we can’t be entirely sure how those last 40 minutes might have played out without Kane finding that pass, we can be reasonably confident it would have been more stressful than the procession that followed.

READ NEXT: Harry Kane teaches England pair a lesson and silences critics in comical Ireland collapse

SUBSTITUTES

TAYLOR HARWOOD-BELLIS (for Walker, 62′)
A very pleasant time to make an international debut, and then topped it with a towering headed goal from a peach of a Bellingham cross to set up all manner of banters about his future father-in-law hahahahaha.

MORGAN ROGERS (for Gordon, 75′)
A less visible impact than the other subs but definitely ought to have a future at this level.

JARROD BOWEN (for Madueke, 75′)
Thirty seconds after coming on he was smacking home his first England goal in fine style, one of four players to achieve that feat tonight. Scoring a first England goal, that is. None of the others managed to do it within 30 seconds, and should hang their heads in shame.

DOMINIC SOLANKE (for Gallagher, 75′)
Nearly but not quite for the Tottenham man as he had to watch all manner of other people collect their first international goal while his wait goes on.

ANGEL GOMES (for Jones, 79′)
Coming on at 5-0 up with 10 minutes to go and still managing to get booked for stopping short a forlorn counter-attack is admirable commitment to the bit.

After buying his stake in Manchester United in February, Sir Jim Ratcliffe admitted he and his INEOS team had “made a lot of cock-ups” in his other footballing ventures, Lausanne and Nice, presumably in a bid to convince the Red Devils fans that they had learned lessons from those mistakes that would not be repeated at Old Trafford.

He will no doubt claim they’ve made great strides off the pitch in his eight months at the helm, but the club is yet to reap the rewards of that supposed improved structure on the pitch, with United 13th in the Premier League and hoping Ruben Amorim can be their saviour aafter Erik ten Hag was given the boot having put them on a steady downward trajectory since the British billionaire bought the club.

Ratcliffe’s also made some questionable strategic calls and ill-advised comments in interviews that are among the mistakes we’ve listed here, including some that the Ratcliffe advocates will claim weren’t his decisions, but – despite his clear ethos of passing it wherever possible – the buck stops with him.

Anyway, here we go: Ratcliffe’s mistakes ranked from minor to major.

8) The whole staff email
We suspect the Manchester United fans were delighted to hear about Ratcliffe and Ineos’ plan to conduct a ‘thorough strategic review’ of the football club when the British billionaire took charge of all football operations. After years of Glazer family negligence, on and off the pitch, it was necessary.

But while we imagined people in hard hats pointing to leaks in the Old Trafford roof and football coaching svengali Jason Wilcox shaking his head on the side-lines of an Erik ten Hag training session, we didn’t foresee Big Sir Jim himself picking up dirty socks from the academy dressing room.

It’s a level of scrutiny that in some ways reflects well on the fourth-richest man in Britain – he has a hands-on approach – but upon describing the cleanliness of the youth team changing rooms as a ‘disgrace’, along with many of the other facilities on his tour of the club in a leaked whole staff email, Ratcliffe immediately managed to ‘create a toxic feeling inside Carrington’.

He labelled the Manchester United museum – quite possibly the pride and joy of several members of staff – a load of ‘crap’, and in a bid to end the work-from-home culture, told employees to head back to the offices, despite there not being enough desks for them all to work. ‘If you don’t like it, please seek alternative employment,’ he told them.

Your Simon Jordans claimed it was a necessary shake-up, a method of sorting the wheat from the chaff, but there’s also little doubt that some very capable employees – not necessarily all Gen Z woke snowflakes – won’t have enjoyed Ratcliffe’s authoritarian day-one approach, will have taken it as a bleak sign of what was to come and taken a job in a more forward-thinking environment.

7) ‘Wembley of the North’
Ratcliffe’s claim that a “conversation” with the government was required after proposing that Old Trafford is redeveloped into the ‘Wembley of the North’ was galling, to put it mildly.

The suggestion was that the burden of financing United’s next chapter should be shared between him, a man worth around £12bn, and the taxpayers. A brazen proposal even before you consider that Ratcliffe himself is a tax exile having officially changed his residence in 2020 from Hampshire to Monaco in a move estimated to have saved him £4bn, which is enough to build two Wembleys of wherever.

6) FA Cup travel
In order to give Manchester United the best chance of on-field success, no saving is off-limits in the Ratcliffe regime, as those travelling to the FA Cup final discovered.

As joyous as that day became, any staff attending did so without recourse to former privileges. They each paid £20 towards travel costs that previously came as a perk of the job, while packed lunches were also seen as a luxury they could do without by the penny-pinchers at a club that had generated record revenues of £650m in its last accounts.

5) Cutting the disability budget
Not nearer the top because they’re only ‘considering it’ but even thinking about cutting the disabled supporters’ association budget in half is deplorable.

As David Ornsein say, it’s “terrible optics” for a football club that has routinely spunked tens of millions of pounds on average footballers to believe that a viable and reasonable method of cutting costs is to make the lives of their disabled supporters harder. The audacity would almost be impressive if it wasn’t so shameful.

4) Job cuts
The optics aren’t great when only a few months after staff members were all told they were crucial in helping contribute to on-field success, 250 of them were made redundant as part of Ratcliffe’s determination to slash costs by scrapping ‘non-essential’ activities.

Nearly a quarter of United’s employees lost their jobs and many of them, understandably, may well have pointed out that poor first-team recruitment has wasted far more money than will have been saved by cutting the rank-and-file workforce.

And those redundancies were made before the club spent another £200m in the summer on further under-performing footballers, most of whom can’t currently displace the in-situ under-performing, exorbitantly paid footballers from the first team.

Each of the 250 employees would have to be earning £55,000 per year to make getting rid of them more cost effective than paying Matthijs de Ligt his salary to sit on the bench, and that’s without considering the centre-back’s transfer fee, which would have been enough to keep those staff members in their jobs on that wage for three years.

MORE ON MAN UTD FROM F365

MORE ON MAN UTD FROM F365:
👉 Man Utd duo set for ‘less of a role’ under Amorim as two January targets are identified
👉 Ranking Ruben Amorim’s 12 ‘first signings’ by chance of *actually* being his first Man Utd signing
👉 Man Utd star ‘wants’ transfer to Real Madrid or Barcelona after being told to ‘get a job somewhere else’

3) Women’s team
At the end of June, four months after his purchase of 27% of Manchester United (yes, Manchester United as a whole), Ratcliffe was asked whether he had considered spinning off the women’s team, with Chelsea having recently announced that their side will become a standalone entity.

“We haven’t got into that level of detail with the women’s team yet. We’ve been pretty much focused on how we resolve the first team issues.”

We understand why the men’s team is the priority. It’s the cash cow and what him and his team will ultimately be judged upon. But word to the wise Jim, don’t call them ‘the first team’. The women aren’t reserves just because they’re not men.

A slip of the tongue, maybe, but a telling one which when added to him moving the women out of their training facility and into portable buildings to make room for the men, which hardly paints Ratcliffe as a beacon of equality.

Asked in the same interview about what they are doing with the women’s team, Ratcliffe replied: “Well they’ve just won the FA Cup” as if he a) cared having not even watched the game, and b) had anything whatsoever to do with that success.

And imagine if he had given the same answer about the men when – as he well knows – the FA Cup win deflected from a poor league season and much deeper problems. He did not seem to have the same grasp of the issues with the women’s team, who finished 20 points behind champions Chelsea in the WSL last term.

3) Not sacking Erik ten Hag in the summer
Handing someone who has just overseen the worst season in the club’s history a contract extension is one of the worst decisions made by anyone ever. They played well once, in the FA Cup final, having embarrassed themselves in the semi-final against Coventry, the entire Champions League campaign and the vast majority of their league fixtures. Manchester United were awful.

Their excuse for not replacing Ten Hag being the lack of suitable alternatives has now been exposed as nonsense given the manager they’re now hiring was so available in the summer that he flew to London to meet West Ham on the eve of his side’s crunch clash with Porto in their title run-in.

2) Changing the coaching staff in the summer
Instead of sacking Ten Hag in the summer they got rid of his two assistant coaches, Steve McClaren and Mitchell van der Gaag, replacing them with Rene Hake and Ruud van Nistelrooy, who are arguably the two guys to have been most screwed by Ratcliffe and INEOS’ bungling.

Ruben Amorim has brought his own coaches because it would be mad to leave behind the people who have played a significant role in his success at Sporting, meaning Ruud and Rene et al. are out on their ears after three months at Old Trafford.

A lucky escape some would argue and they’re presumably been well-compensated, as were Sporting for United nicking their manager and coaching staff, which all-in-all reportedly leaves United close to the PSR line

1) Buying players for Erik ten Hag
We were told that Jason Wilcox, brought in as the new technical director, would be the man to ‘determine and drive the move to a clear “game model” – effectively a cohesive playing style and identity United intend to replicate across all age groups.’

And apparently, unbelievably, after ‘providing a detailed assessment of Ten Hag’s strengths and weaknesses’ as the first duty in his new post, Wilcox reported back that not only was Ten Hag the right man for the job, he was also so good at his job that the club should continue to sign players to fit his system rather than individuals with a broader ethos in mind.

Wilcox, Dan Ashworth and the other directors may claim it’s a happy coincidence that the style of their former first-team coach was also the new Manchester United Way, though wouldn’t be at all surprised if the new Manchester United Way is actually more in line with Amorim’s ethos, which will require a host of his players rather than the Ten Hag’s, meaning the perpetual cycle of Red Devils managers being three to four signings away from challenging for the title will continue.

Former Premier League striker Troy Deeney doesn’t rate Liverpool forward Mohamed Salah as “world class” as he discusses the Egyptian’s future.

The Egypt international has been in good form once again this season with Salah contributing ten goals and ten assists in 16 matches in all competitions.

Salah, along with Virgil van Dijk and Trent Alexander-Arnold, is out of contract at the end of the current season with no concrete signs that he will stay or go.

Liverpool are reluctant to offer long-term deals to players in their 30s but the 32-year-old will feel like he deserves a lucrative contract because of his continued brilliant form in a Reds shirt.

After scoring the winning goal as Liverpool came from behind to beat Brighton 2-1 on November 2, Salah hinted that his future at Anfield remains uncertain in a cryptic message on social media.

Salah wrote: “Top of the table is where this club belongs. Nothing less. All teams win matches but there’s only 1 champion in the end. That’s what we want.

“Thank you for your support last night. No matter what happens, I will never forget what scoring at Anfield feels like.”

And former Everton CEO Keith Wyness revealed yesterday that he’s “hearing” Salah will leave Liverpool and move to the Saudi Pro League in the Middle East.

Wyness told Football Insider: “Liverpool will be managing this. They’ll be having discussions with [Trent] Alexander-Arnold, [Virgil] Van Dijk and Salah in the background.

“But I’m hearing that, finally, Salah will be off to the Middle East. That is what I am being told.

“Liverpool are managing the media spin. [Arne] Slot will have a much stronger opinion on these matters, and his voice will be heard on these issues more and more after his good start.”

MORE ON LIVERPOOL FROM F365:
👉 Liverpool make ‘largest offer’ as timeframe for key star signing ‘new deal’ surfaces; FSG ‘convinced’
👉 Arsenal ‘put €90m on table’ for ‘galactic’ La Liga star as Liverpool swap complicates transfer
👉 14-goal forward ‘dreams’ of replacing Salah at Liverpool as journalist reveals ‘transfer is possible’

Deeney would allow Salah to leave if he continues to break the Liverpool wage structure as he doesn’t believe the Egyptian is world class.

The former Watford striker said on talkSPORT: “I think Mohamed Salah is excellent, he’s a pivotal part for Liverpool and they should never have let it [his expiring contract] get to this situation.

“But I understand that there’s a financial structure around what they want to try and keep to.

“My argument has always been that I just don’t think he’s world class.

“But world class is just a different opinion, what I think of world class is would I want my kids to play like that player? That’s what I think is world class.

“If I was asking my kids who want to be forwards, I would be saying I would like them to look at what Vinicius Jr does as opposed to Mohamed Salah.

“But his goals that he [Salah] scores, he scores an unbelievable amount of goals, he’s highly effective, but that’s just my opinion.

“He’s probably going to turn around and say, ‘Who the f*** is Troy?,’ and fair play to him, but that’s my opinion.”

Deeney added: “He’s massive in the Middle East. He’s a huge, huge draw, but we look at it solely from a league perspective.

“But think about how many times this guy gets hammered for just posting pictures on Christmas day. All of that goes away and there are so many nuanced pieces to it.

“At this stage of his career I don’t think he’s going for money, I could be wrong, but I don’t think he’s going for money.

“I think he’s going where he’s motivated and going to have the best life for his wife and kids.

“Whatever he chooses to do he’s earned the right to do that, and if he decides to not play for Liverpool again, he’ll still be a Liverpool legend.”

Mike Tyson, 58, admitted that in June he almost died due to blood loss and needed 8 transfusions. Despite losing to 27-year-old blogger Jake Paul, the boxing legend considers himself a winner.

Although boxing legend Mike Tyson, 58, lost the fight to a 27-year-old blogger, he considers himself a winner because he "almost died" in June and had to fight to recover.

Writes UNN with a link to the page of the veteran boxer on the X platform.

Mike Tyson explained his health problems that initially delayed his fight with Jake Paul.

"I almost died in June. I had 8 blood transfusions. I lost half of my blood and 25 pounds (over 11 kg) in the hospital and I had to fight to get better so I could fight, so I won.

Reference

The former heavyweight dominator lost to internet star Jake Paul on Friday. Some fans were puzzled, as it was clear that Iron Mike still had little chance against an opponent who was 31 years younger than him.

Mike Tyson slaps boxer-blogger Jake Paul in a battle of willsNov 15 2024, 08:59 AM • 100400 views

But Tyson is grateful for the evening and has no regrets about getting back into the ring.

"This is one of those moments when you lose, but you win anyway," Tyson wrote.

"For my kids to see me go toe-to-toe and finish eight rounds with a talented boxer half my age in front of a packed Dallas Cowboys stadium is an experience no one has the right to ask for. Thank you," he concluded.

Boxing legend Tyson concedes to 27-year-old bloggerNov 16 2024, 06:48 AM • 17791 view

Lee Carsley will take charge of the Three Lions senior side for the final time on Sunday, with the English-born Irish international facing the country he represented in his playing career.

Carsley has given six players their debuts in his short spell and there are four more in the squad who could still win their first cap under the outgoing England boss.

Here is an XI made up of the men who were the final debutants of an England manager’s reign…

Goalkeeper: Tom Heaton
Now seemingly content in the lucrative big-club-third-choice business, Tom Heaton was number one at Burnley in his younger days and ended up being the last new cap of the Roy Hodgson era, coming on as a sub in a friendly win against Australia shortly before the disaster that was Euro 2016. Current Manchester United team-mate Marcus Rashford also made his Three Lions bow in that game, starting and scoring the opener. If you fancy a goalkeeper challenge, try naming the former Arsenal goalie who was Kevin Keegan’s last debutant.

Right-back: Lee Dixon
Despite a long and trophy-laden career with Arsenal, Lee Dixon never went to a major international tournament with England. Bobby Robson gave Dixon his first cap shortly before the 1990 World Cup, the outgoing manager’s last new pick, but didn’t select him for the tournament. Injury ruled the full-back out of Euro ’92 and a failure to qualify for the following World Cup robbed the Gunners legend of a trip to the States. By the time football first threatened to come home in ’96, Gary Neville had claimed the number two shirt.

READ: England player ratings: Bellingham back to his swaggering best in 3-0 win over Greece

Centre-back: Jarrad Branthwaite
Like Dixon, Jarrad Branthwaite made his England debut in a friendly shortly before a major tournament but failed to make the final squad. Gareth Southgate sent on the Everton defender as a substitute in a 3-0 win over Bosnia and Herzegovina in early June this year, but to the surprise of many opted for Lewis Dunk instead in his Euro 2024 squad. Crystal Palace midfielder Adam Wharton won his first cap in the same game, coming on seconds before Branthwaite.

Centre-back: Ugo Ehiogu
Terry Venables went into Euro ’96 knowing he would be replaced by Glenn Hoddle as manager after the tournament. However, the departing boss still selected some fresh faces to try out in the run up to opening game against Switzerland. Promising young defenders Sol Campbell, Ugo Ehiogu and Phil Neville all made their debuts, with Ehiogu being the last of the trio to win a cap after coming on as a substitute in a 3-0 win against China.

Left-back: Ashley Young
A team-mate of Branthwaite in this eleven and in the current Everton squad, despite making his first England appearance seventeen years earlier than his club colleague, Ashley Young won his first cap in the dark days of Steve McLaren. The former Manchester United player was the last fresh face picked by the one-time Red Devils assistant, coming off the bench in a 1-0 win over Austria in November 2007. Thankfully for Young, he had no part to play five days later as a 3-2 defeat to Croatia at Wembley left the Three Lions out of Euro 2008 and McLaren out of a job.

MORE ENGLAND COVERAGE ON F365…
👉 Kane-less England justify Carsley’s ‘huge call’ with Tuchel given headache by Nations League advert
👉 Five in-form England hopefuls who STILL can’t get a call-up in dire straits
👉 How did England win without Aaron Ramsdale or Jarrad Branthwaite?

Defensive midfield: Stever Perryman
Tottenham Hotspur’s all-time record appearance holder is eligible for this XI, with Steve Perryman winning his solitary cap in the run-up to the 1982 World Cup. Ron Greenwood was in the hotseat at the time, but retired from football after the tournament, one that saw the Three Lions exit at the second group stage despite not losing a game. Perryman made his debut thirty minutes after fellow new boy Paul Goddard to become Greenwood’s last pick.

Central midfield: Brian Talbot
Perryman was thirty when he made his England debut, born two years earlier than the last new cap of the regime before Greenwood. Don Revie is the manager in question and former Arsenal and Ipswich Town midfielder Brian Talbot is the player. Talbot made his first appearance is a 2-1 win over Northern Ireland in the May of 1977, but less than two months later, former Manchester City striker Revie quit to take on the lucrative job of managing the UAE side.

Central midfield: Trevor Brooking
Revie’s reputation in England was ruined after his desertion and Greenwood coming in was remarked upon as a vicar replacing a second-hand car salesman. However, Revie’s task of following the legendary Alf Ramsey was always going to be tricky, with the talent at his disposal in the mid to late seventies not matching the World Cup winning players of the previous decade. Ramsey’s last match in charge saw him pick six debutants for a friendly against Portugal in 1974. West Ham United legend Trevor Brooking was one of the sextet and went on to play for his country for a further eight years, winning his final cap in Greenwood’s last match as boss.

Central midfield: Lee Hendrie
Lee Hendrie’s solitary England appearance came in a seemingly meaningless friendly against the Czech Republic in late 1998, with the Aston Villa midfielder replacing club team-mate Paul Merson in the second-half of a 2-0 win for the Three Lions. However, the match proved to be Glenn Hoddle’s last as manager after his controversial comments about disabled people being punished for sins in a previous life came to light and resulted in his exit in the February of ’99.

READ: Are England better without their ‘egotistical lummox’?

Striker: Daniel Sturridge
Like Hendrie, Daniel Sturridge made his international debut in one of those pesky, Premier League delaying November friendlies; a 1-0 win over Sweden at Wembley that only seemed significant for the Three Lions scoring their 2000th goal of all time. It ended up being Fabio Capello’s last match in charge after the Italian resigned following the FA stripping John Terry of the England captaincy.

Striker: Bobby Tambling
Before the Second World War, the national side was picked by committee but in 1946 Walter Winterbottom became the country’s first official manager and a total of nine new faces were selected in his first match in charge, including future centurion Billy Wright. Raich Carter and Tommy Lawton were the only two pre-war survivors and make a ‘Mind the Gap XI’, as Winterbottom prepared to build a side that would compete in the World Cup for the first time. His eventual replacement Alf Ramsey would be one of the players he took to Brazil in 1950 and before the future World Cup winning boss took over in ’63, Winterbottom’s final debutant was Bobby Tambling; Chelsea’s record goalscorer until he was passed by Frank Lampard.

Kevin Doyle feels Caoimhin Kelleher will be “top one or two goalkeepers in the world” while Tony Cascarino believes he should keep his place over Alisson at Liverpool.

Kelleher has been Alisson’s understudy for the past few seasons. Having graduated from the Liverpool academy, the Irish goalkeeper has played just 55 senior games since 2019/20.

But he has played eight times this season, including five starts in the Premier League and two in the Champions League, while Alisson has been injured. Kelleher is yet to concede in Europe this season.

According to his compatriot, former Ireland striker Kevin Doyle, Kelleher can be one of the best in the world if he can play consistent football.

“I think in five or six years he is going to be in the top one or two goalkeepers in the world,” Doyle told RTE.

“He’s that good at everything he does. He has got everything in the locker. He ticks every box. If he can get himself playing, I feel he’s going to be the top man.”

And former top-flight player Cascarino believes he should be playing consistently at Liverpool, despite the presence of superstar Alisson.

“They need to make Kelleher the No.1, I’d hate to see him go,” Cascarino said on talkSPORT.

“Alisson’s had injuries over the last few years, he’s a fantastic goalkeeper but what I’ve seen from Kelleher this season, how he’s grown, his ability on the ball, much bigger confidence than he had 18 months ago.

“He’s now become Ireland’s most important player. Kelleher’s moved up pretty quickly. In some ways, Arne Slot may look at Kelleher and think – he is the future.

“I’m not sure he’ll drop Kelleher when Alisson’s fit. I’m not convinced by that at all, he’s been sensational for Liverpool.

“I think he’s earned the right to stay in the team, and Alisson’s going to have to dislodge him.”

MORE ON LIVERPOOL FROM F365:
👉 Huge Liverpool boost as manager demands Salah transfer is ‘ruled out’ at Euro giants over his age
👉 Arsenal ‘put €90m on table’ for ‘galactic’ La Liga star as Liverpool swap complicates transfer
👉 14-goal forward ‘dreams’ of replacing Salah at Liverpool as journalist reveals ‘transfer is possible’

Kelleher has suggested he feels he is worthy of playing consistently as a first choice given he has performed when asked to by Liverpool, and it seems he could soon leave if not given that luxury.

Having performed well this term, Slot will have a big call to make when Alisson returns to full fitness.

READ MORE: Mohamed Salah ‘finally’ leaving Liverpool with FSG ‘managing media spin’, insider claims